Treasures in Darkness

It amazes me that I am already able to process and write about this. It truly is ONLY by God's sweet grace that I am able. Trust me my nature and habit is to fall apart, stay in the bed, and cry all day. If that was the case, God would've been okay with that too. He meets us where we are. He puts no time table on our grief. He isn't afraid of us when we fall apart! I will say though that I am very thankful He has lifted the despair. Last time, it took about 6 months. This time it took about 6 days. Am I over it? Absolutely not! I don’t think I ever will be. Will I break down tomorrow? Next week? Maybe so, but His grace will sustain me. "For my grace is sufficient for you and my power is made perfect in your weaknesses." This infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss road is tough to say the least. It has changed me. It has aged me. It has changed the way my husband and I look at the world. Is it for the worst? We think it's for the better! For whatever reason, God has allowed us to walk through this. It's not for nothing.

With that being said, we are saying goodbye to fertility treatments for now. We need a break. My body and heart need a break. Our bank account needs a break. Can I just say it's such a relief to know I'm not about to start the next medicine, pay the next deposit, get some more blood drawn, start acupuncture again, drink the fertility herbs that taste like dirt, stop caffeine, or sit in traffic twice a week to go to one of the worst place on earth...the fertility clinic! Down the road (I have no idea when) we will go back and decide what to do. We have some embryos frozen which we plan to use. Until then, we are moving forward with our lives. We are going to relearn what life looks like without a freakin’ reproductive embryologist right smack in the middle of it! We are going to heal. Our hearts have been broken and re-broken over and over again. This endless cycle of hope and despair and hope and despair is stopping. Most importantly we are going to dream again… but different dreams! Not any less than the dreams before just different…dreams that we could have never dreamed for ourselves. God really does give treasures in darkness. In Isaiah 45:3 it says, “I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the LORD, the God of Israel, who call you by your name.” In our darkness of pain, loneliness, confusion, sorrow, loss, and despair, He has given us treasures of hope, peace, blessings, healing, restoration, and faith. He has given us all of those wonderful things in the midst of our deepest darkness so we would know that it is HIM that is working and that it is Him calling us to Himself. This verse has been my life verse for the past several years and it has proved to be faithful. "And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16 Be encouraged dear friends God is faithful and He is good.

PS: Thank you so much for all of you who have sent cards and flowers, cooked meals, prayed, called, texted and visited during this season of our lives. It truly has meant so much to us.