My gynecologist agreed to do some blood work on me, so on
the third day of my cycle I went in for blood work. After about a week, (THE WAITING IS THE WORST PART) I called for my results. The first nurse I spoke
with told me that everything was normal. WHEW! I am in the clear. After telling
me everything was normal, she followed up by saying, BUT we are going to refer
you to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). What? Why? If everything is normal,
why do I need to go to a RE? I called back the following Monday and demanded to
speak to the original nurse that a week ago told me I could do the different
blood tests in office. (One of the hardest parts of this journey so far has
been dealing with the busy, insensitive doctors, and nurses. It definitely has taught me to always be sensitive to every student and parent that ever bugs me!) I finally got
Katie, the nurse, on the phone. She told me that everything was normal, but my
AMH level was low. It was 1.7 which for my age was low. AMH is hormone that
detects your ovarian reserve. Being at the level it was meant that my quantity
and quality of eggs was low. This decreased my chances of conceiving naturally, and it increased the chances of miscarriage if I were to become
pregnant. I found out this great news on June 11th, my birthday!
Coping with the information we received about my husband was one thing, but now coping with something wrong with me added a lot more to the equation. I never thought it would be something wrong with both of us; however, statistics state that 30% of the time it is both the male and female. Last Monday, I went to a new gynecologist because I just didn't feel at peace with my old one. One good thing about my old place of employment (FSA) was that I taught a lot of wealthy children! With that said, I taught a lot of students whose parents were doctors. The doctor I found was my student's mother. I got my mama to go with me to my appointment. I have learned that I need extra ears and strength. I need an advocate that can speak up for me! During the appointment, the doctor stated again that my AMH was low and that she recommended me go to a RE. I said to her, "Does my AMH mean that by the time I am 30 I will be out of eggs?" Her response made me get that same gut wrenching feeling that is starting to follow me around. Her response was "yes." My eyes filled up with tears and the lump formed in my throat. How did this happen? Why? What caused this? Some possible causes that she stated were infectious diseases, medications, chemotherapy, none of which I had ever experienced.
In the moment of her explaining all of this a thought came to my mind. I can't remember if I saw this picture somewhere or I dreamed it but somewhere I saw a picture of a doctor preforming surgery on a patient. In the picture, the doctor is performing the surgery while Jesus is standing in the operating room right beside the doctor holding his hand while he preforms the surgery. This image came to my mind while the doctor was speaking. I realized then in that awful, horrific moment Jesus was PRESENT, He was right there with me while I heard this awful news.
This news really threw me into a place that was and still is very scarey. A place of intense sadness, depression, anxiety, a place where I don't feel like me. Where all I want to do is go to sleep. Sleep is the one place where my brain will stop thinking. Where my brain won't think and believe the lies of "I'm broken," and "My biological clock is in super sonic mode." Some days this place is where I reside and then some days I don't live there. I believe that is God's grace giving me a break and fueling me to endure this suffering.
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