2013 and I have a love hate relationship (probably more hate than love). It was a year of pain, rawness, blessing, realness, growth, tears, joy, confusion, and waiting. My year began with extreme joy with the knowledge that I was in fact having a baby! It quickly ended with the reality that I was not having my baby anymore. The loss still grieves me this very moment. He or she would've been about four months old now. I want to forget because the pain just sucks, but then again I don’t want to forget! Baby Sauers was real and he or she happened. The pain is so hard to work through and process. When people ask me the dreaded question of, “So do you have any children?” my heart sinks because I do; however, I have to say “no” to avoid a very awkward moment. I hate that. Why do we avoid awkward and uncomfortable in this culture? Maybe I will start saying something different and just embrace the moment.
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| Right after we found out last January. |
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| After we miscarried, He took me to Chattanooga and we stayed on this tiny boat. He can always make me laugh. :) |
This year there have been many deaths. Death of my babies, death of my great-aunt and great-uncle, and death of dreams that we all take for granted. It has taken me two and half years to begin to die to the dream of having a family easily. We aren't like everyone else. We can't just up and decide to start a family. As I walk further and further into this reality, I am slowly beginning to accept it (notice I said accept not like). Yes, our story isn't like everyone else and I am learning that that is okay. I came across a book this year that spoke life into all this death for me. "Do you know how much power there is in an acorn? An entire huge tree can come out of one small little acorn. And out of that tree can come innumerable other trees. One acorn has the power to fill a continent with wood. But only if it dies. Only if it 'falls to the ground and dies' (John 1:24) is that enormous power released. Unless a seed falls into the ground and dies, it cannot bear life. Suffering leads to life, but that seed has to fall to the ground." How much more life and potential can a human soul in the image of God have than an little, tiny acorn?
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| The last picture taken with my sweet Aunt Bev. She is in pink. :) |
God taught me a lot this year. He taught me to be expectant, to be expectant of His faithfulness in my life. I have no idea what that faithfulness will look like, but I fight to believe it will be full of good, joy, peace and most importantly more of Himself. The faithfulness may not be on this side of Heaven, but I know it will come. The faithfulness and joy will be enhanced and so much sweeter because of this nightmare of suffering.
It is so easy to live under a cloud of despair when life is full of heavy and sad things. No wonder people become so bitter and hate happy and good things. I admit despair has been a best friend for a long time. Actually, more like a friend that is a bad influence. Despair turns into many ugly things like discontentment, anger, jealously, and all those other respectable sins that hide themselves so well. God has graciously brought those to my attention and I have seen small victories over the last two and half years. That gives me much hope! God is making more like Christ. Isn't that the goal? I have learned that yes, Jesus was a man of sorrow, but He was also a man of joy! He desires that for His children. He taught me and continues to teach me that because of His death on the cross I can choose joy. Joy is NOT about being happy. "Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right and the determined choice to praise God in all things." I don't have to live under this heavy depressing cloud all the time. This world isn't my home. This world isn't forever. I am going to a dwelling place where God will be with me. "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelations 21:4
God blessed us this year by allowing us to purchase our first home! It was so sweet to have some tangible good news in the midst of ugly 2013. Buying the house reminded me that God hasn't forgotten us. He desires to bless His children sometimes by things we can actually touch and sometimes by things we don't see or understand. I am just so very thankful for the opportunity to be able to live here. He also has blessed me with my wonderful husband. It was the other day that my husband and I were reflecting on the last five years of our marriage. He said you know life hasn't really been all that easy since we got married... finances, long distance jobs, moving three times, infertility, miscarriage, but our marriage is strong. We like and love each other!! That is God's grace at its finest. :)
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| After we closed on our house! This was on our anniversary. |
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| On our cruise in the Caribbean. God restored much joy in our hearts! |
As far as our plans for "Operation Baby," we are currently preparing for a frozen cycle transfer. We completed a fresh IVF cycle back in November that resulted in 29 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 11 embryos formed, and then 8 embryos actually survived. I got pretty sick, so Dr. T saw it best for us to freeze all the embryos and go back and complete a frozen cycle. The transfer is set for January 23rd. This means on the 23rd they will transfer two embryos and then I will wait for 10-12 days to see if I am pregnant. I am beginning to get very nervous and scared of the transfer. I feel so much pressure for this cycle to work. We have invested so much into this. I am fighting hard to trust God (whatever that really means and looks like, oops did I type that?).
Please pray for the following:
1. I would spend time in the Word daily and believe God's goodness.
2. Both embryos would survive the thawing process.
3. Both embryos would implant and I would become pregnant.
4. This cycle would result in one/two healthy babies.
Thank you so much for praying,
Bethany
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