I Am Weak but He is PRESENT

These last couple of months have been filled with some of the hardest and darkest days so far in my life. It scares me to think of possibly more dark days, BUT I must fight to believe that no matter what darkness comes or is present I have the HOPE of Christ.  If you don’t already know, we miscarried our precious babies. Yes, there were two although one was really small. It is so painful to type and so painful to remember. Everything happened so fast and there are no answers to the common question of "why?" Some days I ask myself, “Was I even ever pregnant?” My counselor reminds me, "Yes, God created eternal life in you!" I don’t know the next step to take or the questions to ask, but I think that is where God wants me. He doesn’t want me to have a plan or a time table. This is hard. I want a plan of action, but searching for this plan exhausts me. As I have been processing all of this for last several weeks, the Lord has spoke things to me. I like being strong. I am used to being strong. I hate being weak. I am not used to being weak, but weakness is a good thing. The verse in the bible, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me," makes a lot more sense to me now.

 I believe I am getting to a place where I see that I must accept this. God has called me to this season. I don't like being called to this. I want the "cup to pass," but that isn't the case right now. So, I must be obedient to my Father in Heaven. I must press into the Lord with all of my heart and mind. Some days I think I know how to press into God, some days I want to, some days I don't. Some days the simplest tasks are the hardest to complete. I struggle a lot with guilt, feeling like because of my depression (or whatever it is) I am ruining everything: my friendships, family relationships, and my marriage. My sweet husband reminds me of truth and that he married me for better and for "worse." O how those words speak volume now!

I have seen God speak to me in many different ways sometimes through people, sometimes through scripture at just the right moment, sometimes through really painful situations, and sometimes by telling me something will happen before it does. All that to say, through these things I am learning something big. GOD is PRESENT in this circumstance of my life even in the MANY moments where I don't feel Him and feel like I am living in torture.

God used a sermon to speak deeply to my heart recently. I hope these words speak to you as well. As humans, we go through life with so much pain and suffering. We are so quick to ask "why?" God knows this, but doesn't really give us an answer. Would an answer really help? Would it take the pain away? Would it make it all worth it? Let's be honest, probably not. Yes, we can say the right answers for the "why's"... God's glory and all because of sin. (Which I believe to all be true) However, it still isn't good enough at least for me. In Matthew 10:28-31 it says, "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." This verse enables us to change the question of "why" to "who?" The bible is very clear that there will be suffering, but when it comes we must and can ask the question who is with us? The verse in Matthew, tells us that not even a little sparrow will fall apart from the Father's care. He is PRESENT with us in our suffering. This must be enough! It is repeated over and over again in the bible not to fear this world but to fear God. How do you fear God? You have a reverence for Him, knowing He is God, He is good, He is sovereign, He is worthy of our trust, and He is PRESENT. You pursue God when everything else says He isn't there and there are no answers. That's the kind of believer I want to be!

God has graciously shown me that I have been putting my faith in certain outcomes and not in the person of Jesus. I have been consumed with the question of "why" when I need to believe scripture like Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand," and Joshua 1:9 " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” and Isaiah 43:1-2 “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.